"i ain't got no money, but i damn sure got it made, 'cause i ain't askin' nobody for nothin'"

Sister Golden Hair

by America

 

"Well I tried to make it Sunday
but I got so damned depressed
That I set my sights on Monday
and I got myself undressed
I ain't ready for the altar
but I do agree there's times
when a woman sure can be a friend of mine


Well I keep on thinkin' 'bout you
Sister golden hair surprise
And I just can't live without you
Can't you see it in my eyes?
I've been one poor correspondent
I've been too too hard to find
but it doesn't mean
you ain't been on my mind


Will you meet me in the middle
Will you meet me in the air
will you love me just a little
just enough to show you care


Well I tried to fake it
I don't mind sayin'
I just can't make it"

I was trapped in the city for three days. I went to work there on the project Friday, expecting to stay for a few hours, then leave once the snow got bad. If the snow got bad.

 

My car is under somewhere between 2 and 3 feet now. I left it there. The streets in the city are a joke - unplowed, unsalted. A lot of downtown and other neighborhoods were shut down Saturday and Sunday. I had to ask my grandmother to come get me in her Blazer.

I used to enjoy making projects. Small, stupid, time-consuming things. Now everyday bleeds together.

 

I wake up. I feel sick, swallow doing mouthfuls of water until I begin to feel hungry. I eat. I work out. I plan to fill out applications, consider where I need to drive and which day of the week I will go. I plan to fill out applications. I get sucked into movies, into fucking, into cooking or running errands. I put it off another day. I text people, make plans, go out sometimes. But mostly I just make plans.

 

It's disturbing how drab your life can seem when there is no sunlight, just bright white pain reflecting off the outcast clouds, reflecting across acres of blinding snow.

I'm alive. Its strange though. I'm very sick, my lymph nodes are extremely swollen; I'm uncomfortable and hateful, but I'm keeping busy. I sent in my admissions papers for the fall semester at community college (the old "gotta start somewhere"). I've filled out my forms for my clearance and my criminal record check. Sigh. Which shouldn't yeild results, considering expungment. I need to go pick up money orders tomorrow and send those requests out. Then I think Eric is going to put money into my account so that I can request my fingerprint stuff from the FBI, which is now a requirement. These probably won't come back to me for a month, maybe a little more, but then I could start looking for a job. After coming up with a suitable, approachable outfit. Heh. Take the little joys in life.

No amount of working out and weight loss is going to give me tits. The end.

 

"I hate my body so much that it physically exhausts me."

 

He put a warm hand over mine, looked soulfully into my eyes. I wanted to go to bed, I literally was exhausted, and I asked him to come with me. Once we were there, we started to talk, and I tried to explain to him that if I'm distant it isn't personal, it's because I'm experiencing humiliation and shame and those are private to me. And then I told him my biggest fear...

 

"I am disgusted by my body. And I know it's not exactly what you like, either."

 

The silence went on forever, just sitting there in the mostly dark bedroom, waiting for him to (please god) say something to make me realize that he does enjoy my body. Another minute passes and he isn't looking at me anymore, even without the light I can see that. I rolled onto my side and told him that I was tired. He said alright, took the glasses off my face and walked out of the room shutting the door.

 

I cried until I fell asleep. If only Darwinism was at work, I would have drown in my own mucus and been done with it.

Lovefool

by The Cardigans

 

"Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
You love me no longer, I know
And maybe there is nothing
That I can do to make you do
Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
That I ought to stick to another man
A man that surely deserves me
But I think you do!

So I cry, I pray and I beg

Love me love me
Say that you love me
Fool me fool me
Go on and fool me
Love me love me
Pretend that you love me
Leave me leave me
Just say that you need me
Love me love me
Say that you love me
Leave me leave me
Just say that you need me
I can't care 'bout anything but you...

Lately I have desperately pondered,
Spent my nights awake and I wonder
What I could have done in another way
To make you stay
Reason will not lead to solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
As long as you don't go

So I cry, I pray, and I beg

Love me, love me
Say that you love me
Fool me, fool me
Go on and fool me
Love me, love me
Pretend that you love me
Leave me, leave me
Just say that you need me
So I cry, and I pray for you to
Love me, love me
Say that you love me
Leave me, leave me
Just say that you need me
I can't care 'bout anything but you...

Anything but you...

Love me, love me (Say that you love me)
Fool me, fool me (Go on and fool me)
Love me, love me (I know that you need me)
I can't care 'bout anything but you.. "

I didn't think he knew. But underneath all my charm, he's apparently known all along what a piece of shit I'm capable of being.

 

The River

by Bruce Springsteen

 

"I come from down in the valley where, mister, when you're young
They bring you up to do like your daddy done
Me and Mary, we met in high school when she was just seventeen
We'd ride out of that valley down to where the fields were green

We'd go down to the river
And into the river we'd dive
Oh down to the river we'd ride

Then I got Mary pregnant and, man, that was all she wrote
And for my nineteen birthday I got a union card and a wedding coat
We went down to the courthouse and the judge put it all to rest
No wedding day smiles, no walk down the aisle
No flowers, no wedding dress
That night we went down to the river
And into the river we'd dive
On down to the river we did ride

I got a job working construction for the Johnstown Company
But lately there ain't been much work, on account of the economy
Now all them things that seemed so important
Well, mister, they vanished right into the air
Now I just act like I don't remember, Mary acts like she don't care

But I remember us riding in my brother's car
Her body tan and wet down at the reservoir
At night on them banks I'd lie awake
And pull her close just to feel each breath she'd take
Now those memories come back to haunt me, they haunt me like a curse
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true
Or is it something worse?

That sends me
Down to the river though I know the river is dry
Down to the river, my baby and I
Oh down to the river we ride

Do you know why you hate me yet?